


sing me to sleep (i dont want to wake up on my own anymore)

by ari_sia



Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Aman Tripathi has issues, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abandonment, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Men Crying, Panic Attacks, Y'ALL ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS, because i need to project, my issues to be specific
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:40:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26841544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ari_sia/pseuds/ari_sia
Summary: “Is just loving someone enough?” Kartik asks“Enough for what?”“For them to want you around.”Aman shrugs, "People still leave”
Relationships: Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Comments: 22
Kudos: 27





	sing me to sleep (i dont want to wake up on my own anymore)

**Author's Note:**

> i am sad and i don't know what this is. i'll write something other than angst when something good happens to me.

Autumn was supposed to cold and unpleasant. Aman’s fingertips were supposed to be freezing and too numb to feel anything. His heart, a desolate land too tired of waiting to be cared for and to be nurtured. It was supposed to bring nothing but loneliness and instead it gave him a warmth in Kartik’s laughter that was so unfamiliar to him that it made him want to throw up.

How long do you have to go without loving someone that once you feel even the slightest hints of affection flood through you, you feel sick?

Autumn made him appreciate the cold more, he had forgotten how hopeful being comfortable, being loved, cherished could make one feel and what he felt scared him to death.

“Your frown is a just a tad bit deeper today, did something happen?”

Kartik is cradling a pile of office files carelessly against his chest, the pages are poking out slightly, their edges getting crumpled, his tie is caught up in the mess and Aman couldn’t help but sigh at his nonchalance.

Aman moves in one swift motion, fixing Kartik’s tie and takes half the pile of the files to spare the pages more pain at the hands of Kartik.

“Where to?”

Kartik smiles as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to do and Aman pushes the feeling in his stomach down.

“The Archives!”

Kartik drops the files on the table with a thud and Aman rolls his eyes as he puts down the rest calmly. Aman tried to figure out the serial order of the files as Kartik just leaned against the table idly flipping through a file. Aman moved towards the shelves and Kartik followed.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” He said casually placing the file on a random shelf.

“Don’t—” He lightly slaps Kartik’s hand and takes the file away from him, “put them in according to the dates. The Chief hates it when people just casually leave files without arranging them.”

Kartik pouts and grabs another file, this time placing it correctly.

“god, who broke your heart.”

Kartik mutters it quietly to himself and Aman pats himself on the back for not dropping the files in his hands as he tries to not think of _her…_ the sobs and the way she’d said, ‘why doesn’t god just kill me? Why does he insist on being so cruel to me?’

Aman is tired of Kartik and his smile interrupting his quiet life. Stupid offices, stupid jobs, stupid life. There is no way he should be having so many interactions with a colleague.

Aman doesn’t sleep. He can’t sleep, rather. He’s gotten used to jerking awake in the middle of the night and he manages to get through the day. It’s the crying he can never get used to. The weight of his loneliness pressing down on him, making his stomach churn and chest ache.

He buries himself in his blankets but he is cold, cold, cold.

And because the next morning is a little worse than a usual morning, Kartik, of course, finds him again.

“Hey you wanna go out for drinks today?”

Aman has to calculate a little. Are they close enough to do that already? When was the last time someone had asked him out to do anything with them? Then he took a breath.

“I’m your superior.” He answers as nonchalantly as he could but if Kartik could be phased that easily by Aman’s displeasure of human interaction he would’ve given up a while ago.

“Yeah, I know. So, are you free or not?”

Kartik stares at him expectedly and Aman feels himself getting a little ruffled.

“We’ve known each other for three weeks?” He tries again. Kartik raises his eyebrows at him in question.

“You’re turning down free alcohol for that?”

Aman didn’t have an answer to that.

So, Aman tried to not think too much when Kartik takes him to the edge of the city. He tries not to think about the owners laughing with Kartik as if they had known him for ages and maybe they had. Not like Aman really knew anything about Kartik. Did he want to know though? Aman shakes his head as Kartik walks back their table under the open sky telling himself that this was nothing out of place and if something went awry at least he would’ve gotten shitfaced.

“Weird place.” Aman finally says, there were no tables inside and as much as he appreciated the aesthetics of the place, the mosquitoes were not a welcome addition.

“They’re obsessed with the sky. Don’t get me started.”

Aman looks up at him in question.

“Ah, they’re my seniors from college. They worry so I just wanted them to know that I’m doing good at work and that”

For the first time Aman sees hints of embarrassment on Kartik’s face as he gestured towards him, “that I’ve got friends and stuff”

“We’re not friends.” Aman said a little alarmed by the insinuation.

“That’s what you think.” Kartik says with a grin as he shoves a whole cherry tomato into Aman’s mouth making Aman cough but choke it down somehow. Aman stifles a smile and shakes his head. Then he looks at the night sky.

“It _is_ pretty.” The words slip out accidentally.

Then Aman makes a mistake and looks at Kartik who was already looking back at him with an unexpectedly sombre look on his face. Aman could see the man behind the bright smile and it meant that Kartik could see the man behind the frown and Aman felt so bare under that gaze.

Kartik leans in for just a split-second Aman forgets everything about himself. His lips were soft and it felt so warm that Aman thought his skin would melt—so he pushes Kartik away. Aman closes his eyes trying to control his breathing, kicking himself for letting his guard down so easily.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” Kartik says that so easily that Aman almost runs away.

But Aman swallows, trying not to embarrass himself more, “Just—just don’t do that again.”

Kartik nods solemnly and suddenly the air around him is icy cold.

Aman tosses and turns but he promises himself he isn’t thinking about Kartik and the ugly warm feeling in his stomach. He lies awake, thinking about the first time Kartik had smiled at him and Aman had known he was fucked. He hadn’t fallen in love, no, but it wasn’t far behind and Aman is afraid he wouldn’t be able to outrun it this time.

Aman would keep things professional and he knew Kartik would respect that. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he had spent the entire day avoiding Kartik and now had made himself stay until after hours, so he wouldn’t have to come in on a Saturday. He just had to get through this stupid file for the day and he could go home.

But then the building shakes, just for a little while and Aman goes still.

Aman shakes, he tries not to think of his mother. His mother calling out for him every time his father raised his voice. He tries not to think of the time he had tried his best to hold his mother as she sobbed in the darkness of his little room, thinking if he just held her tight enough, she would want to live. He tries to not think of the time when he’d thought he was worth living for, but he fails. His mother leaves and he is thinking about it. She leaves him alone with his father and begins her life anew and he is alone alone alone.

He doesn’t realize he is on the floor, shivering and shaking, curled up with his head tucked in his arms until he hears a voice.

“Give me your hand, Aman.”

There’s a hand right in front of him. It’s stable, not shaking. Maybe if he just takes it he can stop shaking too.

“No.” he manages to choke out as he backs away.

“Aman.” The voice is a little exasperated but mostly just worried.

Yes, he was Aman but he barely felt like the same Aman he had been a month ago. A month. It had taken longer for him to just become comfortable with people and Kartik hadn’t even really done anything special to break down Aman’s walls.

“You’ll just leave anyway.”

Aman stares at the hand, his vision coming back into focus. He is still shaking but he can breathe easier.

“you won’t know that until you give me a chance.” Then he finally looks up at Kartik wondering how they had gotten to this point. From trying to build walls to keep him out to Kartik casually breaking past them all without even trying it seemed.

No, he hadn’t broken down his walls, he wasn’t trying to. He was standing outside his door and he was knocking. He was asking to be let in, something no one had bothered to do before.

“it’ll be too late then.” Aman shakes his head still clutching onto Kartik’s shirt for his dear life, “I’ll get hurt.”

Then Kartik cradles Aman’s tear stained face in his hands, the steadiness of his hands making Aman very aware of just how violently he was shaking. Kartik wipes away Aman’s tears so gently with his thumbs that it almost feels like a feather had brushed past his skin. The gentleness only makes him want to cry more, to just give into his embrace and let go.

“It’s already too late. You’re already in pain.”

Kartik whispers and his thumb brushes away another tear.

“I can live with this kind of pain.”

“I don’t doubt that, but you don’t have to.”

“Just, just—” Kartik presses his forehead against Aman’s and Aman lets him. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been held, much less with this amount of care and patience.

“just let me love you Aman.” He whispers and Aman had no more strength left to resist.

Kartik’s warm breath tickles against Aman’s lips as he leans in and devours him. It’s hot, and it burns but Aman lets it course through him.

Kartik is bright and Aman is burning up.

They end up at Kartik’s friends’ place again. Aman didn’t have it in him to just let him go for the night.

“Is just loving someone enough?” Kartik asks

“Enough for what?”

“For them to want you around?”

Aman shrugs, “People still leave”

“Yes, I know but will they at least cherish the time we had together?”

Kartik’s eyes are filled with starlight, reflecting back the night sky yet somehow his eyes are brighter than any star in the galaxy. Aman is awestruck and without thinking he smiles as the words slip out of his mouth.

“I hope they do.”

Aman knows he will never find a star brighter than him in the entire galaxy and it's more to do with the smile Kartik flashes towards Aman than how bright a star actually shone.

Kartik is a star and Aman would gladly keep burning to keep his light safe.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> life is a shitfest, i hope y'all get through it okay <3


End file.
